And I Still Want You...

 

Not everyone remembers everything from their past life. Jeongguk is well aware. He has known it for a while now. He’s special - the chosen one. The one who has memories etched in every nook and corner of his mind, imprinted on his brain. He has always been acutely aware that this is not his first life. When he was a child, he would get headaches and visions and would struggle to understand these flashes of incidents that his mind would serve him in vivid detail. 

 

But as he grew up, he made friends with this other person living inside his head. He may not have survived the continuous onslaught on his brain otherwise. Jeongguk from his past life was a brat. He had preferences, very strong ones. And as soon as present Jeongguk grew up enough to differentiate between likes and dislikes, wants and needs, preferences and habits, he tried to control his mind, his life in the present. So present Jeongguk named him JK the Menace. He kept the descriptor in the name a secret from JK, but of course.

 

Things took a turn when Jeongguk turned eighteen. 

 

Instead of showing him bits of his past residence, and favourites, JK started throwing up memories of a loved one. This memory was coloured purple. 

 

And it was a boy. 

 

A boy whom JK loved beyond eternity. A boy who loved JK with his life. A boy for whom one lifetime wasn’t enough for the love he bore in his heart. A boy who promised to come back for him. A boy, who was reincarnated for him, like him, and to belong with him. 

 

JK urged Jeongguk to find him. He nagged. He prayed. He begged. He threatened. He needed the boy. The boy needed him. And he assured Jeongguk that the purpose of his life was to find him. It became like an obsession. Because the boy intrigued Jeongguk. He didn’t know what he looked like, but he knew everything else about him. 

 

His favourite fruit. Most loved outfit. Regular perfume. Eating habits. That he was a beach person. That he loved horse-riding. That he loved purple. 

 

That he was beautiful.

 

Honey-coloured skin. Almond eyes. Moles on his face. 

 

And Jeongguk didn’t know about his orientation, he had never cared. But he knew he would love this boy when he found him. Because he was made for him.  

 

In his little green diary, Jeongguk would dutifully note down each piece of information JK supplied him with. He would sketch every memory that would flash upon his eyes. He would write about the things he wanted to know. He would write about the life he dreamed of living with his lover who had to take another life because one life couldn’t suffice for the love he had for Jeongguk, and Jeongguk was… overwhelmed. He was already in love with the boy he had never met. He had only seen a silhouette, and never a face, but how did that matter?

 

＊*•̩̩͙✩✩•̩̩͙*˚

 

Jeongguk met Hyujin at nineteen. Honey-skin, almond eyes, face littered with moles. Hyujin loved strawberries, couldn’t eat spicy food, loved the beach. He was the most beautiful person Jeongguk had ever seen. 

 

And Jeongguk fell in love. 

 

The first time Hyujin visited Jeongguk’s room and spent the night with him, Jeongguk woke up feeling empty-headed. JK was gone. A little later in the day, so was his green diary.

 

Jeongguk was sure he had found his past lover. 

 

There were no other reasons for his memories to leave him alone. (Finally)

 

As months went by, Jeongguk discovered how beautifully Hyujin fit into his life. It was as if he was tailored for Jeongguk. Like someone saw Jeongguk, and created another human being with everything that was missing from his life. He was perfect. They were perfect together. Over the next year of being a couple, Hyujin narrated exact incidents from their past life, claiming to have dreamt about them in vivid detail. They matched the flashes Jeongguk would earlier be able to see. But Hyujin also confessed that he had no idea that they were from a past life. All he knew that they were dreams, and Jeongguk featured in all of them, and it would scare him so much that he'd immediately come to meet Jeongguk and tell him everything about them like describing a movie. The minute details shook Jeongguk to the core. He took the risk of sharing their story of rebirth with him … and Hyujin cried in his arms for a whole day. But Jeongguk also realised that Hyujin hadn’t retained his memories. It was only after he held Hyujin through a few of those nights when the dreams racked through his body with shudders and uncontrollable babbling, that there wasn’t a single doubt left in his mind about Hyujin being his lover, reincarnated.

 

They had to meet in this life. It was destiny. 

 

But the one thing that the lovers yet hadn’t been able to figure out was why and how they had been separated in the previous life. JK had never brought around those memories for Jeongguk to have an idea, and Hyujin never dreamt of it. “It’s probably for the best, Gguk. Must be a painful memory to relive. Let’s make the most of this life, yeah?” And that made so much sense to Jeongguk.  

 

So he wouldn’t leave anything to chance in this life. After being together for six years, at twenty-five, Jeongguk started preparing for a grand proposal. He was not going to let Hyujin go this time. He was happy. 

 

They deserved their happy ending. He would find the perfect ring, and slip it onto those pretty fingers, and ask Hyujin to be his forever. In this life, and beyond.

 

＊*•̩̩͙✩✩•̩̩͙*˚

 

On his way to the jewellery store to pick up the ring he would propose with, Jeongguk was too happy and he was too distracted. He skipped through the path, in a hurry to reach his destination, when suddenly a hand caught hold of his wrist, and yanked him into the sidewalk. He slammed into a body and almost sent it flying till they both managed to hold on to each other and steady themselves.

 

Honey-coloured skin. Almond eyes. Moles on his face. 

 

Jeongguk’s heart stopped. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t take his eyes off the stranger that stood in front of him - a beautiful boy. Soft curls framing his face, a mole on his nose that Jeongguk’s fingers itched to touch, and a pair of lips that felt so familiar that his heart ached. Jeongguk inhaled sharply. 

 

This stranger took his breath away. 

 

“Hi, are you okay? I’m sorry I pulled you like that, you’d get into an accident otherwise. A car was speeding towards you and you weren’t looking. I couldn’t afford to lose… I couldn’t afford…afford to…to see you get hurt like that in front of my eyes. Did I scare you?”

 

It was the baritone that broke Jeongguk’s trance, and almost put him in another one. The voice felt eerily familiar. So much so, that he could feel goosebumps on his skin. 

 

“I…no.. thank you. Thank you for saving my life…”

“Hyung”

“Huh?”

“You can call me hyung, Taehyungie hyung… I mean, Kim Taehyung. I am. I am Kim Taehyung.”

“Taehyung?”

“Could you say that again?”

“Sorry?”

“Uhh… I mean. You look younger, so I thought you would call me hyung.”

“Jeon Jeongguk. My name is Jeongguk. You can call me Jeonggukah, Taehyungie hyung”

 

The shine that took on the stranger’s eyes suddenly could have been from the sun, or from Jeongguk’s imagination. But his heart kept screaming that those were unshed tears. This was the strangest, yet most comfortable conversation Jeongguk had ever had in his life. 

 

“Were you in a hurry?”

 

And that broke the trance, for real, this time.

 

“I was. I… was going into that jewellery shop over there. But I think I'm a bit too shaken today. I will come back tomorrow.”

“Yes, that… was a close shave. I will see you tomorrow then.”

“What?”

“Ohh, that’s our… that’s my… family’s shop.”

“I see. I will see you tomorrow, Taehyungie hyung,” Jeongguk extended his hand to his lifesaver. Taehyung stared at him like he couldn’t believe this was happening. It took him a while to extend his hand too. And when their hands touched, it was as if Jeongguk’s entire life turned upside down. His heart ached for something he couldn’t figure out. His eyes were moist. And letting go of that hand felt like someone was ripping his heart out of his chest.

 

That night Jeongguk dreamt of a violent murder. Of a man with a weapon aimed at his boy. Of his boy shouting about his undying love for him. Of his boy promising to find him in another life. Of his boy whispering, “one life is not enough for a love like ours, Jeonggukah,” before breathing his last. 

 

Jeongguk woke up with a start, sweating profusely.

 

He narrated the story to Hyujin who turned deathly white with fear. Jeongguk cradled his frightened lover to sleep. But the peace that he should have felt while holding the love of his life in his arms, safe and sound, and breathing, eluded him all night.

 

＊*•̩̩͙✩✩•̩̩͙*˚

 

Till he found himself staring into another pair of almond eyes the next day, at the jewellery shop, and his heart stopped beating violently against his chest, calming down, at last. 

 

And no matter how good Jeongguk was with words, he would never be able to describe the smile that took over Taehyung’s face when he saw him. Because there were no words in the dictionary that could do justice to that view. Was he supposed to find another man so attractive? He didn’t know. The truth was that Taehyung had cast a spell on him, and he didn’t want to break the spell. Because he had no clue what it meant. 

 

“Hi,” Taehyung’s voice was soft. Almost shy. Or maybe, Jeongguk was imagining things, again.

“I… I told you…”

“That you needed to pick up something from the store today, yes. I’m happy you’re here. Really… happy”

“Happy?”

“Uhm… yes. I mean… you’re safe, and you look healthy. What more could I want?”

“Taehyungie hyung?”

“Yes?”

“Why do you care so much?”

 

And Jeongguk had never regretted uttering another sentence in his entire life. For the way Taehyung’s smile fell, it felt like he’d committed the gravest sin on earth.

“I… I… right. You’re right. I… crossing a line, aren’t I? Always crossing a line. I’m sorry Jeongguk-ssi for being too nosy.”

 

And if one suffix could put miles of distance between two people, it was the ‘ssi’ against his name. Jeongguk’s heart ached with a pain he wasn’t familiar with. Ohh what wouldn’t he give to put Taehyung’s smile back on his face! Without realising what he was doing (as had become the case recently with him), he stretched out his hand over the counter, and covered Taehyung’s hand with it.

 

“I didn’t mean it that way, hyung. I meant… it feels familiar the way you care about me. The way you saved me yesterday. The way you look at me. It feels… like I have known you for ages.”

 

Taehyung lifted his eyes, a soft smile spreading on his lips, and the world was at peace again.

 

“Maybe you do”

“Come out for lunch with me”

“What?”

“What?”

“Did you just ask me out for lunch?”

“I did? I did. I did. I should thank you for yesterday”

“Aren’t you here to pick up something?”

 

An engagement ring. Fuck.

 

“Uhh. No. I didn’t thank you properly yesterday. I came to thank you today. Can I take you out for lunch, Taehyungie hyung?”

“Have I ever said no to you, Jeonggukah?” Taehyung whispered.

“What?”

“Yes. Yes I will have lunch with you,” Taehyung beamed. 

 

It was like catching up with a long lost friend. Jeongguk waited till Taehyung’s break and walked him to the restaurant. They spoke of everything. They spoke of nothing. They completed each other’s sentences. And Jeongguk could listen to the sound of Taehyung’s giggles for a lifetime. He didn’t understand it, he wasn’t even trying to understand it at this point, but being with Taehyung felt like being at… home. 

 

It was when they placed their orders that Jeongguk was startled again. 

“Can I please have something that doesn’t have beans in it? I’m… I’m allergic to beans,” Taehyung muttered.

“No you’re not. You’re just picky about food,” Jeongguk responded and immediately frowned. Where did that come from?

“You always say that,” Taehyung seemed oblivious of what his insinuation indicated. He looked at the waiter, “please don’t listen to him. Suggest the least spicy dish for me please. One that has no beans.”

“You can’t eat spicy food?”

“No… no I can’t. It’s sad right? Being Korean and having to stay away from spicy food?” Taehyung pouted. And Jeongguk forgot that a world existed around them. 

 

“Jeonggukah, Jeonggukah… Jeonggukie baby, what do you want to eat? I’m sticking to japchae as usual. Do you want samgyeopsal? That’s what you always end up ordering.”

 

Jeongguk’s head was spinning. These words… he’d heard them before. In the same tone. From the same person? That couldn’t be. He must still be under the effect of the horrid nightmare. He needed to get it back together. 

 

“I’ll have some makguksu hyung. Maybe we can get samgyeopsal together another time.”

Taehyung nodded, as if that was the most normal sentence he’d heard.

The waiter left.

 

Jeongguk had many questions. But he wasn’t prepared to ask them. Somehow, somehow it felt like asking those questions would cut the length of their friendship short. It felt like he wouldn’t be able to see Taehyung anymore if all his questions were answered. And the fear gripped him. It gripped him and choked his life out of him. He couldn’t… couldn’t let Taehyung go. His heart wasn’t allowing him to. 

 

Maybe you were supposed to bump into some people like that. People who were supposed to become an inseparable part of your life. Not all bonds can be explained, his mind whispered. He agreed. Had to. Taehyung made him feel that way. 

 

Some connections are beyond explanation, have always been. And he would go with that. 

 

The food was amazing. Taehyung didn’t ask him why he frowned while eating. He just looked at him with an endeared smile on his face. As if… he’d missed this. Jeongguk could swear he heard him mutter under his breath, “somethings never change.”

 

＊*•̩̩͙✩✩•̩̩͙*˚

 

It became a habit that Jeongguk couldn’t even control. Not that he tried. Meeting Taehyung, spending time with him, discovering new information about him that didn’t feel new at all… Jeongguk was spending all his free time between work hours at Taehyung’s shop. As days went by, he could discern a restlessness in Taehyung, as if the boy wanted to ask him something, but couldn’t. Jeongguk was still in a daze. 

 

It had been three weeks since he bumped into Taehyung. He had been to the shop every single day. He had still not bought the engagement ring. 

 

Getting to know Taehyung was like discovering a part of himself that Jeongguk didn't know existed. He had always been a caring person, but never the one to take initiative. His affection was silent. But with Taehyung, he couldn't control himself. From asking for his time to meet every day (to the amount of being clingy, he feared), to remembering each of his habits, to giving him compliments to lift his mood, he had never been so forthcoming. It was almost an outer-body experience… like he was watching himself be this whole other person he didn't know he was capable of becoming. And the funniest part of it was that it was all involuntary, organic. He would usually realise that he'd done something out-of-character, at night while replaying the day in his head. Like looking for a non-existent eyelash on Taehyung's face because he was itching to touch his adorable bread-cheeks that rose with his smiles and laughter, just once, albeit chastely. Like growing a habit of drinking fruit-flavoured soju because that's all Taehyung drank. Like insisting on walking him home from their little meets. These things brought him immense joy. But the biggest happiness was always being able to make Taehyung smile. It made him feel like he'd achieved his life's purpose. 

 

And he knew something about this wasn't really right. That he shouldn't be feeling so strongly about someone who was just a friend. But it was as if someone else was controlling his life. He couldn't do anything about it.

 

[Jeongguk had always been the shy one, always the one who responded to advances that he felt comfortable with. His affection was always genuine, he had a terrible time lying. But he could hardly express himself. It took someone taking really special care in unfurling him, making him so comfortable around them that his physical show of affection too came naturally. But there hadn't been anyone like that around him ever. He was almost a tsundere, passionate in privacy, but never someone to reach out first.]

 

Taehyung brought out a side of him he didn't know existed. Sometimes he would giggle at Taehyung's cute antics, be taken aback by the sound of his own giggle, and proceed to laugh uncontrollably after. 

 

It was addictive. He was addicted.

 

Right now, he was trying to get a hold of Taehyung who had dumped a bottle of water over his head and promptly ran away from him to the park adjacent to where they were walking. Taehyung ran fast. And for a while, Jeongguk indulged him to think that he could beat him. Until he turned around and made a face at him. Jeongguk ran. He ran towards Taehyung as if his life depended on catching him, the scene all too familiar even though it had never happened before.

 

And when he caught up, he held Taehyung's elbow and pulled the boy towards himself. Taehyung stumbled, but came willingly into his arms. It was as if he had no control over his own body anymore. As if, he had surrendered himself to Jeongguk. The force with which Jeongguk pulled Taehyung, and the pliance with which Taehyung came to him, resulted in him staring into Jeongguk’s eyes from a distance that barely existed between them. Jeongguk could feel Taehyung's erratic breaths on his lips. And immediately his eyes fell on Taehyung's lips. Too close. Too inviting. Too comfortable. When he slowly raised his eyes, he found Taehyung's eyes trained on his own lips instead. And as if Taehyung was enchanted, he leaned in. 

 

Electricity ran through Jeongguk's veins like a shock. He immediately pulled himself back from the embrace. Awkward. The entire air around them turned from happy to electric to awkward in a matter of seconds and Jeongguk hated it.

 

“Ggukie… I …”

“I… have to go hyung. I'll see you tomorrow.”

 

With that he ran out of the park and out of Taehyung's line of sight before bending himself in half and breaking down. He was on the verge of cheating on his boyfriend of years.

 

And what was scarier, was that it didn't even feel wrong. 

 

Jeongguk initiated their lovemaking that night. But for the first time, it felt like sex. Hyujin was over the moon because it was new. It felt more passionate, like Jeongguk couldn't get enough of him. 

 

Jeongguk felt hollow.

 

He was served the flashback of exactly how his lover was cold-bloodedly murdered in his past life. A bullet going through the spot right above his heart. And he was right there, but just out of reach. He held his love and watched him die in his arms. 

 

Jeongguk spent another sleepless night with his wildly beating heart.

 

He only knew one remedy for it. And before he knew it, he was standing in front of Taehyung again. 

 

＊*•̩̩͙✩✩•̩̩͙*˚

 

Taehyung's smile was hesitant. Jeongguk knew what he had come to do and it broke him, twice over.

 

“I… didn't think you'd be here today,” Taehyung said.

“I told you I'd come,” Jeongguk responded, trying to keep his voice steady.

“You did… Jeonggukie … I… need to”

“Hyung… please show me your collection of rings”

“Rings?” 

 

A surprised smile started to spread across Taehyung's face.

 

“Rings. I have plans to propose to my boyfriend of six years next weekend. It's time to make him my fiance. Could you show me your finest please?”

 

The smile faded. The eyes dulled. The back straightened. The light vanished.

 

“Boyfriend.” Whisper.

“Soon to be fiance. I can't wait.” Practised.

“Of course. Come this way, please.” Professional.

“Only the best for him.” Fake.

 

Taehyung stopped in his tracks and turned back, a slight crack visible in his demeanour. “Does he make you happy, Jeonggukah?”

“Should you be asking that question?”

“No,” it was a hurried answer, and the slightly visible vulnerability was gone in a flash. “No I shouldn't be. I'm sorry. It's not… not my line to cross. Here… look at these.”

“Not yours to know, but yes, he makes me happy. He's the love of my life and I don't want to let him go. Not this time.”

He tilted his neck a little, the evidence of last night's passion visible as a bruise. Cruel.

 

Taehyung looked. Before he trained his eyes in front of himself, on the jewels. As if, nothing else existed anymore.

 

“These are the best we have. Beautifully designed. But if there's something exclusive you're looking for, see this one. It's a single piece, done in purple and green jewels adorning the diamond, exclusively designed for us. There isn't another like this anywhere. I can guarantee it. A special one for your special one.” Taehyung smiled. Too wide. Like a salesman.

 

“Taehyung!” A warning came from the other end of the shop. 

“I got it, Chim!” Taehyung replied. Firm.

 

“I'll take it. Could you adjust it to my…”

“Partner's size? Of course. Please leave the measurement with me and we'll get it done. The price…”

“I don't need to know. Only the best for…”

“Right. I'll bill you then. Anything else you want to buy?”

“No… no. I'll come and pick it up next week then? Tuesday?”

“No.”

“What?”

“You don't need to. For customers who buy above a certain range, we deliver free of charge. Our delivery boy will be there as soon as it's done. By Tuesday for sure.”

“I can come and pick…” 

“Please write down your address here. We'll have it delivered.”

 

Taehyung turned to finish billing formalities. Their conversation had ended. Jeongguk had lost him. 

 

Before Jeongguk left, Taehyung beamed at him while handing over his receipts. 

“You have a wonderful life ahead, Jeonggukah. You deserve all the happiness in the world. And all the love.” There wasn't a trace of bitterness or fakeness in that wish. It was genuine, straight from his heart. A broken one at that. 

 

The door of the shop closed after him, and Taehyung collapsed behind the counter. He sensed a presence beside him. Of course.

 

“You told me that was the design of your engagement ring in your past life, Taehyungie! Why would you let him see it and give it to someone else? Why would you hurt yourself like that?” Jimin hugged him, trembling. The only person who knew his secret. 

“He didn't even recognise it, Chim. What's the point? He got it made for the person he loved. That person has changed in this life. So it was the right thing to do. And did you see him? He is happy, healthy, and in love. What more can I ever ask for?”

“You waited for an entire lifetime for him”

“And he didn't. When I was dying, he promised me he'd find me and love me the way I deserve to be loved. But he forgot me. He loves someone else. That's the truth, Chim. That's my truth. The only truth that matters.”

Taehyung's smile remained intact, except for the lone tear that escaped his right eye. Maybe next life, or never. As long as he's happy. That's all that matters. That's all that matters.

 

＊*•̩̩͙✩✩•̩̩͙*˚

 

Taehyung cursed at himself for forgetting the most crucial piece of information as he made his way towards the address written on the piece of paper clutched in his hand. His delivery boy was away on Tuesdays. Always. He hadn't been able to reach Jeongguk and he really couldn't delay the order. It was against business ethics for them. His heart ached to see Jeongguk one final time.

 

He rang the bell, steadied himself for the forthcoming assault on his heart, and waited. The door opened. And Taehyung froze. This was not supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to be standing in front of Hyujin out of all the people in the world. Kim Hyujin. Taehyung's unidentical twin in his past life, who fell for the same man Taehyung did. He was obsessed with Jeongguk, and never accepted that Jeongguk only ever had feelings for Taehyung. Pushed by envy and insanity, it was Hyujin who had shot Taehyung dead. 

 

Hyujin’s expression was the same as he remembered, except angrier than shocked.

 

“What the fuck are you doing here? Why can't you ever leave us alone? You always have to butt in, then, and now! He chose me. He chose me then and he chose me now. He lived a long happy life with me after you…do you even know that? Never even asked for you. He was always mine. Fuck off. Fuck off before I…”

 

Taehyung couldn't hear anything except for the chant inside his head, ‘Hyujin was Jeongguk's lover. Hyujin was Jeongguk's lover. His love chose to love his murderer. His love…’

“I said go away,” Hyujin pushed Taehyung hard and Taehyung tumbled, resulting in Hyujin trying to keep him straight. His shirt tore from the collar. 

 

Taehyung blinked, too shocked at the turn of events to react. And Jeongguk appeared right behind Hyujin.

 

What a cruel turn of fate. Jeongguk was standing at the same position, behind Hyujin as he was, just out of his reach, when Hyujin had shot him. 

 

“What's happening here? Babe? Taehyung? What happened?” Jeongguk was confused.

“You know him?” Hyujin sounded troubled.

“Yeah I… why is he here? Why are you here?” He looked at the package on the floor. “Ohh? where's the delivery boy?” he asked.

“On leave today,” Taehyung couldn't believe he was answering.

 

Hyujin whined. “Baby, Ggukie. This is a horrible man. He… he tried to touch me. And I pushed him away. Please don't talk to him. Please ask him to get lost. He tried to… touch…” Hyujin went to push Taehyung again but suddenly, there was a body between them.

 

“What are you even saying?” Jeongguk growled.

“He… please ask him to leave,” Hyujin pushed forward.

“He's lying Gguk!” Taehyung went to defend himself, only to be stopped by Jeongguk's hand on his torn collar. His shoulder slumped from defeat. There was nothing left for him to say anymore.

 

Jeongguk, however, couldn't take his eyes off the scar just above Taehyung's heart that the tear had revealed. 

 

Taehyung raised his teary eyes, and smiled dejected, “it was never enough, right? Not then, and not now,” he whispered. “My love was never enough. I lost. You couldn't even recognise me Ggukie. Couldn't even…”

 

Taehyung was unable to complete his sentence as a tirade of tears broke him. It was the first time Jeongguk had seen him so broken. It was wrong. This was wrong. Taehyung should never cry, his heart kept telling him. But he didn't know what to do. With a firm push, Taehyung broke out of Jeongguk's hold, turned around and started walking. Jeongguk watched his figure growing smaller and smaller with the distance, while Hyujin wrapped himself around his body. It felt like a knife piercing through his heart, letting Taehyung go, confusion raging a storm in his head. 

 

He needed JK. He needed answers. 

 

“How do you know that terrible man?” Hyujin demanded. “He tried to assault me and you just… let him go? Are these the kind of friends you're keeping these days, Jeongguk?” He was furious.

 

“I'm sure there's a misunderstanding. He's not. He can't be… he's not a bad person babe. I know him from the jewellery shop. He's a very nice person. Too nice, in my opinion.”

 

The fondness in Jeongguk's voice irked Hyujin even more. 

 

“Everyone is nice in your eyes. You're a horrible judge of character anyway. Please stay away from him. I don't like him. At all. Do you get it?”

 

“Hmm? Ohh. Yeah I don't think he'll want to see me either after what happened today. I wonder why he came to deliver by himself.”

 

“What even is this delivery that you're acting so weird about?” Hyujin snatched the package from Jeongguk's hand before he could say anything, ripped it apart and took out the ring. As soon as he saw it, his eyes rounded in a mixture of shock, disgust, and fear. “Is this… tell me this isn't what I think it is. Tell me you… you weren't going to propose to me with this … this piece of shit!” Hyujin was fuming. Gone was his carefully controlled demeanour, his sweet tone, his patience. First, Kim Taehyung shows up at his door. Second, Jeongguk looks at him with that same disgusting fondness in his eyes. And now, now he has to wear this ring? Over his dead body. “Have you even seen this thing? These aren't even my favourite colours. Ughhhh. Jeongguk. If you really want me in your life, please get your act together and get me a better ring.”

 

Hyujin stormed off. He desperately needed to calm down and bring Jeongguk back into his fold. And he needed a plan to get rid of Taehyung. Again.

 

Honestly? Jeongguk hadn't seen the ring. He was too busy noticing every subtle change of expression on Taehyung's face that day at the shop. He wasn't even going to propose with this ring. How could he propose to someone when he was confused about his feelings? It … was just going to be a memory of all the time he spent with the man. Something for him to touch when he missed the other's presence. Something to calm him down when nothing else worked. Something that Taehyung had touched with his own hands … 

 

Jeongguk picked up the ring and looked at it for the first time. What he saw sent shockwaves through his body so intense that he fell to the floor. This was his design. This was the ring he had designed because he had wanted to give Taehyung a ring that couldn't be found in any other store. A design that brought together their favourite colours embedded in black gold. An exquisite ring, for an exquisite man… Kim Taehyung.

 

Every single silhouette flashed in front of his eyes as clear as day, as Jeongguk sat helpless on the floor, tears streaking down his face. He sat there, his hands clutching the ring for dear life, as he watched his past life unfurl like a movie. Meeting the twins, Taehyung and Hyujin in college, striking a chord with Taehyung immediately and falling for him, hard. Taehyung reciprocating his feelings, accepting his confession as a shy teenager. Their dates. Spending all their free time together. Hyujin trying to tag along for some, forcing Jeongguk's attention on himself… cornering him one day to ask what Taehyung had that he didn't. Hyujin forcing himself on Jeongguk, leading to Taehyung severing ties with his twin brother. The rage on Hyujin's face when Taehyung moved in with Jeongguk. His days and nights with Taehyung, with love so tender and soft, yet passionate and intense. Proposing to Taehyung with this ring and the immediate ‘yes’ falling from his lips as freely as his eyes shed happy tears. And that fateful day, when a three minute delay caused him his everything - watching helplessly from outside the door, trying to break through, as Hyujin shot that bullet through Taehyung's chest. Holding his lover's body in his arms, as he breathed his last. Making promises of finding each other in the next life, of never forgetting, of coming back to each other, through tears and heartbreak… promises that he couldn't keep. Promises that only Taehyung honoured, as Jeongguk built his home with the man who killed his lover.

 

Jeongguk couldn't hold himself together anymore. He let out a pained cry as he felt all his strength leave his body, a mix of anger, hurt, heartbreak and guilt coursing through his veins. 

 

He had to make this right.

 

＊*•̩̩͙✩✩•̩̩͙*˚

 

“Damn right you do,” JK growled at him. 

“You! You left me. You left me to deal with this by myself. Where were you all these years you menace? Why didn't you tell me?”

“It was painful to watch you love the man who killed my love. You have my face, you have my name. Every time you touched him, it broke me. But I was here. Always. Just refused to talk to you. Who do you think led you to Taehyung when you decided to make that criminal your fiance? I couldn't take it anymore. I had to meddle.”

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry… I don't know why this happened. But Hyujin… he was a criminal in his past life. A life that he doesn't remember anything about. We can't really punish him for a crime he committed back then.” 

“You think? Have you never had a doubt about him? Test him. Test him Jeongguk. Look for your green diary. Ask questions. Protect Taehyung. Don't…. don't let history repeat itself.”

 

At that, Jeongguk panicked. The thought of anything happening to Taehyung drove him crazy. He clutched the ring in his hand and ran out of his house, praying fervently that he would find Taehyung at his house, thankful that he always insisted on dropping him home. 

 

Shifting his weight from foot to foot, Jeongguk stood, fidgeting with his sleeves as he rang the bell. The bell made no sound. Strange. Jeongguk tried to tap on the door, but the door opened under that slight pressure. Curious, and scared, he stepped in. A long corridor welcomed him, and the sound of muffled voices, and cries. On high alert, Jeongguk tiptoed in. The voices seemed to be coming from the room in the corner. He walked towards it as silently as possible. He wasn't going to repeat his mistakes. He would not alert anyone of his presence. 

 

The closer he got, the clearer the voices became, Taehyung… and Hyujin. His heart in his throat, he kept moving. The door was kept slightly ajar.

 

“Why are you even here, Hyujin? He's yours. You said so yourself. He loves you. You said so yourself. He bought you a ring. I told you that he is going to propose to you, he told me that himself. When you have him already, why are you here? What can I do for you? Was killing me once not enough? Was getting him not enough? You said… you said you got him in your past life too! You said he married you after I died. Clearly, clearly I'm not a factor here. Please. Please, I beg of you. Free me from this. Go away and just let me live. I have nothing to do with the two of you anymore,” Taehyung was sounding like a broken soul. Jeongguk's heart turned in his chest. And Hyujin seemed to have remembered everything about their past life. Except, he was using the knowledge to lie.

 

“I don't trust you. I never trusted you and I don't trust you now. Leave the country Taehyung. Leave our lives and go. It's a shame that I can't kill you in this life too. But I'm warning you. Leave this country for good. Go somewhere where he can't find you.” Hyujin was bitter.

 

“Why? When you're so sure you're the one he wants, why do you need me gone?”

 

“Always with that big mouth of yours. I remember how you lured him away from me. I remember when he tried to kiss me and you came in telling him lies about how I was forcing myself on to him. I remember how you manipulated him into your bed Taehyung. I'm not going to let that happen this time.”

 

“Delusions aren't good for your head, Hyunjinah. I suggest you get over them. We were in love. Do you… also remember shooting at me? Your own brother? Because you couldn't digest the fact that he wanted to marry me?”

 

A cynical laughter filled the room. “Delusions, huh? He came to me. Do you know that? He came to me the previous night, begging for me to take him back. To love him. To marry him. To forgive him for his mistakes. He… hated you. He begged me to get rid of you. And I did. You think he couldn't have saved you? He chose not to. We erased your existence from our lives and lived happily ever after. Our love was so great that it needed more than a lifetime. I've killed once for him, and our love. Don't underestimate me. I could kill again. If you're not gone from this country, Taehyung, don't be surprised if you run into a fatal accident soon.” 

 

“No!” Two voices shouted in unison. One, a desperate plea for all of that to be untrue. The other, a desperate plea for the truth to be heard. Finally.

 

Jeongguk stepped into the room, relieved to see no weapons anywhere. Taehyung had collapsed to the floor, and Hyujin was towering over him.

 

“What the fuck are you doing here? How do you even know where he lives? I literally just left you at home. Jeongguk, listen to me. He's… he's trying to break us. Jeongguk he's… he's not a good man. Ggukie let's go back home. We can fix this.”

Hyujin started angrily, and his voice was slowly reduced to a whimper as he realised things weren't looking well for him.

 

Taehyung was trembling. Hyujin's version of the story making his head reel. Was everything he had ever known, a lie?

 

Jeongguk moved slowly, cautiously. He sat beside Taehyung, slowly trying to gather the boy into his arms. Taehyung flinched. The reaction cut through Jeongguk's heart like a dagger. It was the first time that his touch was unwelcome for Taehyung. He needed to set this straight. And he would. Not everyone got a second chance at life. At love.

 

“Don’t take my name ever again with that filthy mouth of yours. And fix what, Hyujin? Fix exactly what? You've been lying to me for six years about not remembering a thing about our past lives, huh? You were right. I'm a horrible judge of character. Couldn't see through your act at all! All those dreams. All those gestures. All those nightmares I held you through, all the descriptions of my memories with Taehyung, tell me, how did you know? From my diary, is it?”

 

The expression on Hyujin's face answered his question.

 

“Right. I often wondered why you only felt familiar but not like home .”

 

Taehyung shifted in his place.

 

“I wondered why I was so drawn to Taehyung from the moment I met him. Why every glance, every gesture, every single touch from him felt like they were made for me. Why it was so difficult for me to stay away from him. Why he didn't have to do anything, for me to not be able to take my eyes off him. Why… why my heart raced when he smiled. Why, just looking at him made me feel at ease. I was looking to build my home with you, when my actual home was always here, with him.”

 

Hyujin winced.

 

“That was a nice story, by the way. Of me pleading with you to kill Taehyung. One big flaw though. I'm sure you didn't think it through enough. I used to live with him. If I wanted to, I could've killed him in his sleep, Hyujin. I didn't need your help. Asking a brother to kill his own? Quite a far-fetched chance, right? I didn't know though that you were capable of it. I didn't know you were a criminal, a cold-blooded murderer. I should have. The day you came on to me, I should've known what you're capable of.”

 

Jeongguk turned towards Taehyung. He had nothing more to say to Hyujin. He was done. He extended his hands, cupped Taehyung's face and lifted it so he could see eye to eye. This time, Taehyung offered no resistance. Relief.

 

“Listen to me very carefully, my love. I couldn't live without you even if I tried. Remember, from day one, whether in our past life or present, it's always been me who pursued you. I killed myself seconds after you had breathed your last. He was lying. I shot at myself at the same spot as you. He forgot this minute detail, because for him, everything has always been about him. Look,” Jeongguk unbuttoned his shirt enough to reveal an almost identical scar on his chest, right above his heart. He took Taehyung's hand and placed it over the scar. “No matter what happens, no matter how weak my memory has been, you're the only one my heart has ever wanted. You were, you are, you will always be the only one for me. If you take me, I promise I will love you as you deserve. If you take me, I will make sure no one comes between us ever again. Will you take me back, Tae? Will you forgive me for forgetting? For breaking my promises, no matter how unintentional?”

 

“When have I ever said no to you, Jeonggukie?” Taehyung whispered, moulding himself into Jeongguk's arms, closing the distance between them.

 

Hyujin looked at them, defeated. Anger burning in his eyes, he realised he'd lost this battle again. “I won't let you be happy. Just you wait and watch. I will make sure …”

 

“You won't say another word, Kim Hyujin. If you know what's good for you, you will leave us alone for good. You've only seen my good side. Don't make me show you how I can ruin your life.”

 

He turned back towards Taehyung. The scum didn't deserve anymore attention. Hyujin left. At this point in time, his game was over. 

 

“I'll get a restraining order against him. Don't worry, my love. I won't let anything happen to you.”

 

“And I'll protect you, always.” Taehyung mumbled from where his face was mushed against Jeongguk's scar on his chest.

 

“You've been protecting me from the moment we met, love.”

 

“Umm hmm. I have.”

 

“Look at me,” Jeongguk put his fingers under Taehyung's chin and lifted his face. “Can I have that kiss that I robbed myself off on that day?”

 

“You’ve got to earn it back”

 

“How? I'll do anything for you, you know that.”

 

“Tell me that you love me. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting to hear those words from you. It's been so long, Jeonggukie. Years. Decades. A lifetime.”

 

“I love you, Taehyung. I've never loved anyone else. I've been under an illusion, yes. But my heart knows you're the only one for me. I love you. I struggled. I forgot. I saw flashes of memories but never your face. And yet, I know I've loved only you. It was a long journey for me too, and it broke me to think I was building a life with the one that took you away from me. But I found my way back to you. I love you, Taehyung. I will always love you. Will you be able to love me back? I can wait. I can wait for you forever.” 

 

“You broke my heart that day when you ran away from the park instead of talking to me. You were cruel when you made it a point to show me that … hickey. You made me cry.”

 

Jeongguk inhaled a sharp breath. 

 

“But I've waited too long. And I still want you. ”

 

Feeling Taehyung's soft lips on his own, though a tad bit hesitant, a tad bit apprehensive, soft, not firm, just there to surrender and not to demand anything, felt like coming home after ages. All Jeongguk needed was that one sign. Taehyung had always been like this, offering himself and letting Jeongguk take control. Memories of their firsts flooded his mind, as he deepened the kiss while pulling his boy onto his lap. Softly prodding at those plump lips, he sucked on Taehyung's bottom lip, just as he remembered. A soft sigh escaped from Taehyung, and Jeongguk was just a weak man. Weak enough to capitalise on the chance and slip his tongue past his boy's lips. He had equally yearned for a taste of Taehyung, even if he hadn't been aware of it. So it didn't take long for the kiss to turn hungry, long lost lovers exploring each other as if their lives depended on it. Taehyung was now straddling him and Jeongguk's lips had started trailing a path down his jawline, to his collarbones, to the scar and back to claiming Taehyung's lips hungrily. He lifted themselves up, carrying Taehyung in his arms, remembering the flex that would always get Taehyung worked up. It was as if their bodies were dancing to a much practised tune, in absolute sync with each other, the years between the last time they were this close and today, invisible. 

 

And if that act of carrying themselves to bed unleashed something feral in the boy in his arms, Jeongguk would happily take the blame. If it led them to be littered in each other's markings all over their bodies, Jeongguk wouldn't mind. If Taehyung's possessive streak made an appearance to leave his own brand on top of the exact spot where the now-faded hickey had resided, Jeongguk would happily bare his neck.

 

Nothing else mattered but the fact that after a lifetime of toiling like nomads, the lovers were finally home.

 

＊*•̩̩͙✩✩•̩̩͙*˚

 

Epilogue

 

Jeon Jeongguk had never paid attention to Taehyung's coworker in the jewellery shop, all his attention entirely on his object of affection all the time. But now that he knew what Park Jimin was capable of, he would forever be indebted to the man. 

 

Not that Jimin would have it any other way.

 

Jeongguk didn't waste time in getting all legal precautions in place for Hyujin. He didn't waste time in moving in with Taehyung into a new apartment in a new location. He didn't even waste time putting a ring on his baby's finger. 

 

The one thing that had kept bugging him was his exclusive ring being adjusted to Hyujin's size. Enter Park Jimin. Having been with Taehyung from a very young age and witness to his insurmountable love for Jeongguk, he had immense faith in them being endgame. He had already instructed the worker to keep the ring to Taehyung's size itself. It had never been made to Hyujin's size, not under Park Jimin's watch. 

 

So it wasn't a surprise to anybody that the reins of the Kim-Jeon wedding preparations were completely handed over to Jimin a few months later. 

 

And Jeon Jeongguk and Kim Taehyung were happy to use all their time in making up for the years they lost in between… loving, and being loved as they deserved.